I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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