1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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