Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
