There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
