a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
