As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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