I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
