You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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