She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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