peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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