If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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