You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
