she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He keeps bees of course he's weird
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
