tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
