dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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