I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
