theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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