I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
