He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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