It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
