The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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