it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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