Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
