My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
