you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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