nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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