is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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