I'm passing your future prison.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
