Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Oh god it's open bar.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
