if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
