My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
