I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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