Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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