but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
