The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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