I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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