you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
