i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
