I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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