If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
