Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
