Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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