i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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