so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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