I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
