I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
