He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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