Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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