Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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