Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
