Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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