i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
