i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
