They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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