I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
