So drunk its hurt
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
