why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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