So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
