You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
