dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
